Three Reasons I Might Not OfferWhat You Are Looking For

1.     Sometimes I search through Psychology Today’s available therapists to find a match for someone who I might not be able to serve due to knowing them personally or some other conflict of interest.  If I do a search for a therapist offering the type of therapy I’m looking for, I find that most of the over 1,000 therapists in the Tulsa area are offering a long list of specialties.  I used to do the same. 

Yes, in my 25 years as a mental health therapist, I’ve attended trainings on possibly hundreds of topics.  I’ve offered and attempted to address whatever the client’s need is, but I finally recognized that both my client and I are benefited more by a clear focus toward specific issues which I learn about and practice resolving every day that I see clients.

2.     If I try to meet all the needs of those who are seeking counseling, I’d have a waiting list of several weeks, if not more.  I’ve been there.  Though a high number of counseling appointments financially supports me, it doesn’t leave me time to focus on getting better and learning more about only a few areas of focus.

3.     If I was reaching out to find a therapist who could help me, for example, with how past abuse is affecting me now, I’d want someone who has specifically trained in that topic but also has made it their mission to help people in this situation.  I’d also want to talk to someone who has at least been through similar experiences or emotions so they know first hand what I might be experiencing and need.

 In summary, I got into this business to help others ease the pain that sometimes comes with life events.  Don’t walk the journey alone! I can walk with you through easing the anxieties and finding hope in your depression.

Sherry

Three Things I Know About Trust

1.     Most of the time being trusted is on us.  We set ourselves up for not being trusted when we put ourselves in a QUESTIONABLE situation. 

 For example:  If I’m married or in a committed relationship and while at my job, with no intent of wrongdoing on the part of myself or my co-worker who happens to be of the opposite sex, we decide to go out to eat lunch together.  I’m innocent, but I have placed myself in a questionable situation. My significant other just might happen to ask what I did for lunch today or maybe someone tells them they saw me with another woman/man.  Now I could find myself in a position of being questioned and possibly not trusted.  This could have been avoided with a strong boundary. An example might be to always include a third person when heading to lunch with someone that may cause questions to arise.

 2.     Blind Trust is Risky

 Forgiving those who have betrayed us absolutely does not mean forgetting.  There is no magic eraser for our brain.  There’s a good reason…. we need our experiences to teach us.  We need to be aware of red flags that indicate questionable behaviors. 

 This does not mean, once wronged, we keep questioning the person who wronged us.  We leave it in the past unless there is questionable behavior.  If so, validate your suspicions or proceed with caution.

 3.     Not trusting someone based on your past experiences with others will create conflict and possibly destroy the relationship.  No one likes being falsely accused, having to prove their innocence, or walking on eggshells about being questioned.    Remember, to ask yourself…is the suspicion there because the person has created a questionable situation or is the suspicion a “what-if” in your mind, which may be out of your own anxiety?

Three Things I Know About Starting Off Your New Year Right

1. New Year’s Day is my favorite holiday because I devote it to reflection on the past year’s goals and focus on what I want to see different in the new year.  It’s a feeling of hope for a restart or in some cases, a do-over.  This reflection gives me the foundation for establishing my goals for the year and for writing a plan to reach them.  
   
   There’s the tradition of making New Year’s resolutions.  We are currently on day 10 of the month of January and I’d be willing to guess that many have already reached some disappointment in themselves because they have not been able to keep their resolution(s).  What I know is that resolutions are usually affirmations with no clear plan of action.

2. Goals are specific and, in a way, they are an affirmation. Having a goal isn’t enough though.  You must know how you are going to reach it, and this must be as detailed as possible.  As Zig Ziglar and others have said, a goal that is not written is a wish.  

3. Even written goals if not in your daily sight aren’t likely to be achieved. Create a habit this year of reading over your goals along with the action steps each morning before you get the day started. When you check off the action steps you’ve completed, you’ll be inspired to keep going toward the finish line. What a feeling of accomplishment you’ll start the day with! If you are interested in a digital means for writing goals and staying on track all year, I highly recommend Laurel Studio Planners. They are LIFE CHANGING. https://laurelstudio.co If you want some guidance, schedule a consultation with me at www.lastingbt.com. I love seeing others achieve their goals.

   - Sherry

Three things I know about living amid the pandemic…

1. We all feel intense emotions almost continually now instead of or in addition to our usual ups and downs.  Fear, loss, disappointment, loneliness, and even anger is likely to be triggered daily if not numerous times per day as we are reminded of the restraints on our lives.  These emotions create stress.  Stress increases our cortisol levels, wreaking more havoc on our bodies.  And the idea we aren’t in control of it all increases anxiety which can leave us in an on-going state of “fight or flight”.  If there was ever a time to learn deep breathing exercises, guided imagery, yoga, or meditation, it’s now.  Taking time to watch a YouTube video about any of those is something you can control.  Spending 5 minutes focused on your breath will give you the calm to continue your day or to go to sleep.

2. Isolation can be a good thing for a time.  We need to sit in quietness and reflect, gain insight, and sometimes face ourselves.  But we need people!  COVID changed our lives to the extent we even left our offices, some of us permanently, and we spend our day on the computer or phone.  Make sure you engage with others.  No, it’s not the same without the hugs and handshakes but Aunt Sue can still make you laugh over Facetime.  Get outside!  Go play outside!  You can have date night in the backyard on a blanket watching the stars.  Go camping, even in the backyard.  Go watch the sunset.  Take a walk with someone.  Be safe but connect!

3. We don’t all agree on everything about the current situation, but I think we all know that underlying medical conditions can determine how sick we get if we get the virus.  Here again is something you can have some control over.  Start today to heal your body with the nutrients you need.  They are right there at the grocery store or in your garden.  Food is medicine!  Start with a focus on foods that reduce inflammation: berries, grapes, cherries, broccoli, peppers, tomatoes, mushrooms, green tea and more.  And eliminate the foods that create inflammation:  sugar, white flour, processed foods, and fats.

Summary:  It helps reduce anxiety and stress to think of what we have control over.  Make a list today!

Three things I know about starting a running program:

So, you’d like to run but you don’t think you can and if you join a group, you feel like you won’t be fast enough or able to go the distance.  Here’s three things to keep in mind about your pursuit to be fit.

1. Don’t measure yourself by someone else’s yardstick.   It’s your run, your pace, your distance.  Even in a group, don’t let someone push you to do what they are doing until your body says you are ready.  If you are having a hard time catching your breath, you are going too fast.  Even when you are running alone and you pass someone else running (or they pass you), keep your focus on your run.  It should require effort and a push toward improved endurance, but it should feel comfortable.

2. Train with intervals.  Tiny intervals to begin with.  Don’t think about speed.  Think about running 15 seconds and walking 45 seconds.  Increase the time and decrease the walk weekly or even bi-weekly.   Check out www.jeffgalloway.com to see how former Olympic runner, Jeff Galloway, has trained thousands of runners using this method.  There are local Galloway run/walk groups throughout America.  

3. Wear the right attire.   Cotton is Rotten as they say.  Fabric should be moisture-wicking. You don’t have to have expensive Nike shirts.  Amazon and Walmart have great, inexpensive sports clothes available.  Shoes should be made for running.  Cushioning and stability are critical and even if you don’t purchase your shoes at a running store, go get fitted.  Fleet Feet, Tulsa Runner, and Runner’s World all analyze how you run to find the shoe that works for you.  

There are lots of tools and tips available online and at your local running stores or running clubs.  Just get out there and start.  You won’t regret how good it feels when the run is over!  Join my local run/walk group:  Moving Toward Wellness.  See you there!

Three important points about living your passion:

I often feel a deep sense of empathy and some sadness for clients who are unhappy in their job or bored in their life.  Somewhere along the way, usually out of the need to just get a job and meet the needs of life, they got caught up in the day-to-day routine of making a living or just moving through life as it comes.  This can be a set-up for depression.

I believe that everyone has passion within them for something and it’s either known and tapped, untapped, or not yet discovered.  If it’s truly within everyone, then why miss out on it?

Sometimes, we can’t live our passion fully until we’ve worked our way there.  This can be the case when we are working on a degree or toward a promotion, but even the ride to the goal should bring about a feeling of excitement because we are moving toward what we love.

If you aren’t living your passion, consider these three places to start:

1.  Do I know what I’m passionate about and if I do, am I fully engaging in it to the degree I would like?  
   
   Not everyone works in their area of passion.  Sometimes it’s about being an advocate for a cause, volunteering, growing a garden, traveling, etc.  But it is active.  What do you want the world to know?  What change do you want to make in the world?  What do you want to give the world?  
   
   I often tell people to think back to childhood and try to remember what they loved to do, got excited about and maybe, in their then imaginary world, wanted to be.  To find your passion, it’s not necessary to think in terms of career or work. First find what you love and then if desired, figure out how to turn that into a job.

2. Now that you know what you love, it’s time to WRITE the plan.  Start at the bottom.  Did you always want to work with animals?  You don’t just jump right into veterinary school.  First you make a list of what it would take to get there.  Feel like you don’t want to go back to college at this point in your life?  Why not volunteer for an animal rescue?  There are many ways to get involved, all of which would likely inspire you as you feel the passion, to take whatever steps you need to get even more involved.  That’s what happens….you just start by getting your feet wet in your dream world and the rest begins to fall into place.

3. Take one action step today!  Talk to someone doing what you would love to do or google your interest.  Learning and insight about your topic is at your fingertips.  Take a class.  Read a book.  Just get started.  Begin with the end in mind, but don’t be overwhelmed by how far away the end may be.  Every day you will be a day closer than you would have been if you didn’t start.

So if you wake up and say to yourself ..…”well another day of the same ole thing” or “I dread going to work”, then you are wasting precious life.  Just do it!

Three ways to feel peace…

1.  Seek 30 minutes of solitude everyday

Even if you think this is not possible due to kids, schedule, etc. and even if you think it’s not something you need, try it for a week.  You’ll never give it up.  Solitude means just that…no TV, electronics or internet.  You must sit with you. What are you afraid of?  You?

2.  Remember that you have survived every moment so far

No matter what is happening right now in your life, no matter what you are anxious about, think about the fact that there have been other times in your life when you were just as scared about the future.  You didn’t see how it was going to work out.  Those times prove that it is more likely that you will survive than that you won’t.  This too shall pass.

3.  Let it go

Can holding on to it, regretting it, being emotionally controlled by it, fearing it or anything else change it?  If you can’t change it, let go.  If it is changeable, then create a plan or solution.  Where there is no solution, let it go.

3 Important considerations when looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right:

Before you head out the door to look for a life-long companion, ask yourself these questions:

1.  What is the most important, deal-breaking, attribute that you are not willing to compromise on?     

2.  How do you want this person to deal with and respond to your mistakes, weaknesses, forgetfulness, and opposing behaviors?

3. What three activities do you imagine this person enjoying and participating in throughout your time together?

It is now time to ask yourself the same questions about yourself:

1. Do you possess that important attribute that you have decided could not be compromised on in your companion?  Hoping someone stronger in that area can make you stronger is risky.  You must own the behavior in order to truly attract it.

2. If you are unable to treat the other person’s weaknesses, etc. in the exact way you would want them to treat yours, you are less likely to have what you really desire in that area.  Go ahead and admit that neither of you will live up to the other’s expectations all the time.  We are human. Practice the Golden Rule.

3. If you want someone who enjoys attending musical events or is physically active, are you?  If you are looking for a mate in a bar, you may end up with someone who turns to the bar scene when things get tough. Is that the activity you will enjoy together for a lifetime?  If you want someone who plays golf, runs marathons, attends church, or goes to opera, have you tried doing those things and meeting someone on common ground?  Align yourself with someone doing at least three things you hope to enjoy together for a lifetime.

Three parenting tips:

1. If you want to stop the power struggles, reasoning and justification which usually doesn’t end in success, then give up attempts to control the child/teen in the moment and instead, determine to control the outcome of the child’s choices.  

2. You must only provide consequences you have 100% control over.  Ex:  Does insisting they turn over their cell phone to you end up in a battle or attempts to sneak the phone back?  Instead you could temporarily suspend their service.  

3. Let your child know that you acknowledge they are in control of their choices and you are in control of the outcome of their choices.  They’ll love the fact you aren’t arguing with them or trying to convince them.  The outcome will do the speaking for you!

If you’d like more help with discipline issues, reach out to schedule an appointment. I’ll help you learn more ways to have more control and less frustration within your household.   

I also highly recommend following John Rosemond, parenting expert.

John is on Facebook, Twitter, and I recommend his website: www.rosemond.com